I’m don’t buy this story that men don’t like to gossip. Actually, that’s a long-since debunked myth. Further evidence? My guy friends will positively jump at the chance to talk to me about girls. Even more than specific relationships, these guys just love bitching about and analyzing women in generalized terms.
So when I asked them what female behaviors they’ve encountered that just grate on their nerves, they were quick and certain with their answers. Some of these shouldn’t come as a surprise, while others might raise an eyebrow or two. Regardless, here’s the brutal truth:
1) Cutesy cuddle sounds
The untold truth is that (most) boys like the snuggle as much as the ladies do. What they don’t dig? When you make those little satisfied cuddly sounds you make. Oh, shut up, you do too make them. I know this because I make them…or, I did.
I like to think I’m pretty wise to the goings on between man ears but I was blind to this one. Because guys always told me they liked it! The ba****ds were lying. That’s what all of my reliable guy sources tell me, anyway. And then they laughed at me for making cute post-coital sounds. But then I made them buy me a whiskey because that’s just how it works.
2) Using sex as a weapon
Now, as a gal who’s been around the block, my first instinct was to tell my guys that they aren’t foolin’ anyone and that I know for a fact that men wield the penis pistol as often as we exercise our pussy power.
But the truth is, we really all ought to cut it out. Sex is the greatest naturally given pleasure in this fine life so I’m staunchly against affixing any negative connotations to it. And dangling it in front of your man to get what you want, or withholding it when he’s a bad boy are very bad ideas. They hate it and frankly, so do your fellow females.
3) Nothing said during naked time counts
So help me, women, if another one of you drops the L-bomb on your man for the first time mid-romp, I’ll hunt you down and, um, give you a firm talking to (okay, I’m not very violent). Or announcing you’re unexpectedly knocked-up in the first 5 minutes after a blowjob. Bottom line: sexy times are for sex, not serious talks about the relationship.
4) Knock before going in the back door
Here’s the deal with the manhole, my friends: you can preach all you want about the wonder of the prostate and male G-spot and all that (and I’m with you!), but the simple fact remains that (again, most) dudes don’t want that kind of treat unannounced.
Whether you mention it while you’re in the act, or bring it up and get the all-clear ahead of time, the important part is making sure that your man is a-okay with a little back alley finger massage.
5) Don’t kiss and tell
That’s pretty self-explanatory. Granted, guys are generally just fine if you spread the word to your girlfriends that he’s a rock star in bed, but do they need to know the details on his moves or that he cried that one time? No, they don’t.
This pains me to say, by the way, because I love few things more than getting juicy tidbits from my loose-at-the-mouth gal pals. But the men are serious about this one; we are to cut it out immediately.
By Jessi_bee